


Bisclavret

by Vadianna



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chevrefoil side story, Isolation, M/M, References to Depression, Werewolf Curse, the explicit parts don't happen until after the curse is broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 01:46:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16358306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vadianna/pseuds/Vadianna
Summary: Nearly fifteen years ago, Ben Solo met Armitage Hux in Republic City.  Hux's attempts to convince Ben to join the First Order landed them on an Outer Rim planet, one of the places where Hux claimed the Order could do the most good.Once there, Ben fell victim to a terrible curse, and Armitage Hux vanished without a trace.Trapped in the body of a monster and unable to communicate with humans for over a decade, Kylo spends his days searching for Hux and waiting for the end of his curse.  After years of isolation, the curse finally ends for both of them.





	Bisclavret

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Chevrefoil](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13504977) by [Vadianna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vadianna/pseuds/Vadianna). 



> This began as a light, silly fill for [Huxloween Day 15 - Were Animals](http://huxloween.tumblr.com/post/178124246496/welcome-back-for-our-2018-edition-we-are-so), semi-related to my longfic [Chevrefoil](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13504977/chapters/30972624). The final is its own AU, more like a Chevrefoil story segment told from Kylo's point of view, and about as sad as that sounds. The relevant backstory from that fic appears here, and most everything is explained, but it does diverge pretty far from canon.
> 
> I wasn't sure how to tag this, but Kylo's situation is lonely, and has been going on for a long time. Kylo is described with some symptoms of depression. Everything gets better for him, but the setup is pretty dark.

_Kyloren_.

Kylo yawned as the sound of his name brought him from the edge of sleep. It was the usual evening wake-up call, delivered via a Force connection he shared with the resident plant-aliens. As usual, it wasn't entirely welcome. He'd always hated waking up in the morning.

_Kyloren. The Indigo family increases. Our daughter Dalla has given birth to a son._

_The Saffron family has also had a propitious day. A young son to Barad._

Kylo snorted, rolling over and resettling himself. The Chlorohelions woke him every evening to brag about their adopted human families. Medical tech had improved over the years, and the population had increased to the point that there were multiple children born every day. It made the Chlorohelions happy, but mostly just annoyed Kylo.

 _Kyloren. The new Saffron is the smallest yet. A quiet child. He was born very wet. He has already slept nearly the whole day. This is good_.

Kylo cracked an eye and opened his mouth. The root cave he slept in wasn't too hot today, but he saw quickly that the evening light was darker than usual, meaning it was probably overcast. It was the rainy season, and though the clouds lowered the temperature to nearly bearable levels, a cool day meant a dull, rainy evening. He could smell the sulfur stink of the approaching storm on the wind. He hated it, but in an abstract, automatic way now. He’d gotten used to the awful smells and harsh conditions of the planet a long time ago.

Five Chlorohelions, the sentient plant aliens that formed a symbiotic relationship with the human settlers on Exitens, clung to the shadowy top of the root cave with green-brown vine bodies, the enormous open purple and orange flowers that made up what appeared to be their heads tipped toward the open mouth of the cave, where the thin gray light of the fading day was brightest. Kylo rolled onto his back to look at them.

 _Did the Arroval trees find anyone today?_  There was only one type of tree on the planet, enormous and tall with smooth brown trunks and leaves large enough to build huts with. The humans lived in them, their settlements suspended dozens of meters above ground level, where the massive limbs of the Arroval trees intertwined. Kylo lived in the bulging root system at the foot of one. The particularly dense roots made a kind of cave, which Kylo had dug out further and protected with leaves and mud to make a barrier against the acid rain floods.

_No. The great and powerful Arroval see only the families, and the stranger technicians. The stranger technicians have not changed for seventy-eight day cycles, when Kyloren was last informed._

_The answer is always the same, Kyloren_.

 _None dwell on the planet that the Arroval do not know_.

Kylo closed his eyes, trying the same old argument again. _Hux said there was a desert somewhere. They can’t see in the desert if there aren’t any other trees. There could be a whole settlement there._

_Where the trees do not go there is only death._

_Death for all._

That was probably true. The horrible acid rain burned everything but the trees, and the heat was bad enough in the forest. Kylo had never been further. He always asked, though.

 _Your Hux is not here_.

They always told him that, too, and he hated it. He thought it might be spite for his disinterest in their families, though he wasn’t entirely sure that the plant aliens had the capacity for spite. It was hard to tell, even after so many years. He moved on to more urgent matters.

 _I’m hungry_.

_Today, Kyloren, your nourishment comes from the families of Crimson._

Three of the Chlorohelions dropped slowly to bottom of the cave. Kylo stretched, yawning again before climbing to his feet.

As promised, a vivid red Chlorohelion bent its blossom so that Kylo could lap the sweet nectar out of its petals. He hated the taste, but he found his body craved it if he went too long without. Part of the strange symbiotic relationships on the planet, the Chlorohelions produced some nutrient that the humans and other sentients needed, and vice-versa. They shared with him, though Kylo wasn't a member of any of their human families.

Another one of the red Chlorohelions unwound its vine body and dropped vitamin supplements and meat rations, outside nutrition provided to the settlements by the First Order. They were obviously taken from the human families by the Chlorohelions, and Kylo always wondered if they were ever missed. Or maybe the humans knew the Chlorohelions took them, and the diplomats counted Kylo as an extra body when they were requisitioning supplies.

He swallowed the supplements first, then chewed the meager portion of dried meat. It wasn’t good, and it wasn’t nearly enough, but it was better than the small foxes he could hunt on the forest floor, and it helped flush the taste of the nectar and supplements out of his mouth. He listened to the sounds of the forest as the red Chlorohelions climbed back to join the other plant-aliens suspended from the ceiling of the root cave. The forest was growing unnaturally still and silent, a sure sign all the fauna and sentient flora were seeking shelter before a storm. He huffed. He would have to hurry.

_Kyloren. The time comes. The shuttle arrives soon._

The Chlorohelions also tracked time for him. They enjoyed speaking to Kylo and doing any favor he asked, since he was the only non-Chlorohelion that could communicate with them. Their favors came at the cost of their endless nattering and family gossip, but they did genuinely care for him, and he would not have lived long without them.

They were also the only other sentient beings he could speak to after his curse.

He left the cave, glancing around the small clearing at the foot of his Arroval tree to check for hunters, then shaking himself. He’d grown used to his monster body over the years, but it still took a moment every evening to acclimate himself to the feel of it. He’d done the same thing as a Jedi, a morning meditation meant to attune his consciousness to the harmony of his body and the world around him. But he’d been human then, and he’d lost what little calm he’d possessed with his human body. Nothing about being a monster lent itself to Jedi meditation. Even after so much time, it still made him rage.

He’d never seen his own reflection, and had no idea what he truly looked like. The Chlorohelions didn’t see images in a way Kylo could interpret, and there weren’t any pools of standing water or other reflective surfaces on the forest floor.

But he didn’t really want to see himself, and didn’t need to. He was a monster, a giant canid. _Wolf_ , they called him. The native humans had named him _Kyloren_. He had no words to contradict them. He hadn’t been able to speak aloud for years.

His fur was long, he knew, the same wavy brown-black as his hair had been. It matted easily with the detritus and dirt on the forest floor. He felt the tangles pull at his skin as he shook himself, wishing again that the Chlorohelions could shave him. Exitens was too hot to have this much hair. Now he knew how Chewbacca felt. At least Chewie could sweat. Kylo could only drool, and sleep during the hottest part of the day.

The only other part of himself he could see were his feet. _Paws_ , really. They were giant, ending in thick black claws that gouged the dirt as he walked. Sharp enough to tear into the First Order officers that came here, strong enough to pull apart the plates of Stormtrooper armor. Not sharp enough to climb the trees to the settlement. Or, multiple settlements. Now that the settlers were healthy, there were less of them dying and the main settlement had grown and multiplied. The Chlorohelions talked of the growth constantly.

He followed the well-worn path that led to the single open-air transportation center on the planet, letting his tongue loll as he did his version of a jog. Running was too hot at sunset, but he’d slept too late to take his time.

The floor of the forest was almost completely dark by the time he reached the primitive spaceport, and he crouched in the shadows, waiting patiently for the shuttle and transport arrivals. He needed the shadows to hide him - his dark fur stood out against the pale browns, oranges, pinks, and greens of the forest. His size was also noticeable. Sitting, he was the same size as the short Exitens humans. He thought he might be bigger as a monster than he had been as a human.

He also used Force misdirection to conceal himself, particularly during the dawn arrivals of the shuttles and transports. His Force powers had... changed, but he had grown and practiced what he'd kept. Force misdirection was one of the most useful skills he'd kept, and he was so much better at it now.

As he watched, the one of the planetside transport arrived, carrying the product harvested on the south pole settlement - nectar from the flowering vines that wrapped around the trees. All of the planetside hauling and maintenance was handled by a species of reptilian alien that moved freely on and off-planet and between the two settlement sites. The native humans no longer moved between settlements or drove any of the planetside vehicles.

Three of the reptilians emerged from the transport and unloaded the usual hoverpods. In a moment, they were joined by another transport from the nearby northern settlement, with three more workers disembarking and unloading. There were about two dozen regular workers that appeared on a rotating schedule, and Kylo recognized them all on sight. Most of the reptilians had gold scales. Three were red, one was white. They spoke in a low growling language that Kylo did not recognize, and they wore no clothes. They appeared to lack humanoid genitals, though he still always tried to catch a glimpse of _something_.

As they unloaded the hoverpods, the larger orbital shuttle arrived, huge and loud and out of place in the primitive transportation center.

When it settled, Kylo reached out with the Force.

The minds of the reptilians were blunt and impenetrable. They barely registered to him as awareness. Human presence in the Force was always brighter, warmer, though never as open and familiar as it had been when he’d been a human himself. He could no longer reach the minds of humans through the Force. So far, the only awarenesses he could touch as a monster were the Chlorohelions.

There was one human pilot on the shuttle, along with one other human aboard. Some officer, he thought, tallying the shipments and accounting for the reptilians, along with a pilot that drove the same route every day. As far as he could tell, they were always the same two humans. They were probably both with the First Order, though no off-planet human had shown themselves to him in a long time.

He’d been so angry, so full of rage when the curse had happened, he’d barely been in his own mind. He’d attacked all the human First Order personnel that arrived in the shuttles, every officer, bureaucrat, and soldier that came planetside. Eventually, they’d sent Stormtroopers, more and more as he tore apart each unit, playing their games and hunting them through the woods. He’d still been able to use the Force to attack and misdirect, and his teeth were worse than his claws, tearing easily through armor. As much as he'd enjoyed the physicality of learning and exercising with his lightsaber, it was nothing compared to tearing through the First Order with claws and teeth. He wanted to hate it, wanted to be ashamed of how good it felt. But anger had been easier, and fighting had filled the howling void of the Dark that occupied his thoughts.

As the war with the First Order continued, he’d grown more hopeless, more resigned to being a monster. He’d begun to allow himself to consciously use Dark side powers that he’d avoided. They came so easily to him. He couldn’t enter the minds of the humans, but he could still break them. Could still kill them, feel the life flicker out in the Force and take satisfaction in it that stoked his rage and hopelessness. At the end, they’d stopped coming after he’d choked them all with a thought.

They attempted to send others in their place. First, they'd armed and ordered the settlers to hunt Kylo. But they hadn't been trained in it, and weren't used to being on the forest floor. Kylo had only watched them from the shadows, amused, as they wandered confused, rifles clutched awkwardly to their chests. Even on his worst days, he couldn't bring himself to attack the human settlers beloved by the Chlorohelions. The First Order had tried mercenaries too, who'd been more skilled and had hunted more earnestly. Kylo had hunted some, and let others go unmolested.

Eventually, even that stopped, and Kylo had been left with his anger and his monster body and endless stretches of time.

Twice a day, the orbital shuttle arrived, and he always checked it. Each one, every single day, for countless day cycles. He checked every person who came on and off the planet, and he always asked the Chlorohelions, who communed with the Arroval trees that saw all, whether any strangers had been spotted.

He was waiting for Hux.

He had lost count of the day cycles. It had been a long time. Years, since Hux had brought him to Exitens, years since the two of them had stopped the feud between the two settlement sites and Hux had asked him to join the First Order and stay with him.

He’d woken up cursed on his second day planetside, and Hux had… vanished. Kylo’s desperate search of the shuttles had started that same day, trying to find Hux and get help before he left the planet.

But Hux had never left the planet. Kylo had never seen him board an orbital shuttle, and he'd searched them all. Hux had never been seen again, not by Kylo or the alien laborers, the human settlers or the Chlorohelions, and Hux hadn’t been spotted by the Arroval trees since the night of Kylo’s curse. Alive or dead, Hux had ceased to exist the night Kylo had turned into a monster.

Kylo knew he was dead. He had to be. He told himself that every day, when he asked the Chlorohelions if a stranger had been spotted in the forest, and when he searched the shuttles and planetside workers.

But searching for Hux was the only thing he did, the only thing that kept him going. He found that letting go of the hope entirely was intolerable. So he tried to imagine how Hux could have survived. Maybe he’d somehow boarded the orbital shuttle unnoticed (which was impossible, Kylo would have seen him) and left. His hunting of the First Order was done with a vague hope that, if Hux had somehow escaped, he would hear of the disturbances on Exitens and come to investigate, thinking of Ben Solo.

Maybe he’d ridden a transport to the southern settlements, and had been living there for years. Either way, he might come back one day, looking for Kylo.

_He had to be in the southern settlements, because he would be dead without the Chlorohelions to take care of him. And the Chlorohelions would never keep it from him if they knew Hux._

Or perhaps Hux had been cursed, too. Maybe Hux was also a monster, down at the southern settlements.

It was impossible, but only as impossible as Kylo's monster body, and at least more pleasant than Hux vanishing without a trace. He would be suffering, like Kylo, and they were separated by the desert. But the thought of Hux on the planet, suffering just like Kylo, was more comforting than anything else in his life.

He watched, miserable, as the reptilians loaded the hoverpods and ground transports aboard the orbital shuttle. Eventually, the shuttle took off, disappearing into the cloudy, indistinct gray of the evening sky.

As if to underscore the moment, a single drop of sulfur rain fell, sizzling against the hair on his back. He made a noise of surprise, then used the Force to deflect the other drops as they began pattering around him. He’d also grown skilled at his Force umbrella technique over the years, by necessity. He no longer had the peace to meditate, and he could no longer feel the presence of others in the Force as he once had. But he could strangle people, and he could keep acid rain off his back.

It dripped through the high canopy and hissed on the ground around him as he set off through the woods again. With the rain, he would have to get the rest of his evening over with quickly.

He hunted first, following his nose and a vague Force presence to the burrow of one of the ground foxes, flushing it and ending its life in a matter of minutes. He usually took his time hunting, stalking and watching prey for hours, challenging himself to hunt without the Force. It filled the empty hours and offered much-needed exercise.

But not during a storm, when everything injured by the dangerous acidic rain went into hiding. Still, he needed to eat, or he would lose the energy he needed for hunting. He felt the warm blood of the fox in his mouth, broke its delicate bones between his teeth.

The metallic tang of its blood was still off-putting. Raw meat had been repulsive to him when he’d first become a monster. But like everything else, his body craved it, and he’d grown used to it.

After he’d eaten, he had to run to the distillery. It was still to early for running, too hot, but the rain had begun to come down in heavy sheets. At the distillery, the settlers kept a tub full of clean water for him, freshened daily. If he didn't hurry, the rain would pollute the fresh water until it was unusable.

He drank first. The water was warm from the heat of the day and disgusting, but he drank deeply and quickly. When he couldn’t stomach any more, he climbed into the tub and bathed the best he could.

The distilling tub was deep, and he could fully submerge himself. He did it several times, rubbing against the sides of the tub and rolling against the bottom to get rid of the worst of the dirt. It never really worked to get rid of the mats in his fur, but it helped, and he felt less like a disgusting monster after.

He’d been self-conscious about bathing at first - he knew he looked ridiculous, and he could sometimes sense the human settlers watching him from the trees. But eventually, he’d stopped caring. At least they left the open tub of fresh water every day.

It was full dark now, and the distillery was deserted in the rain. He stilled, letting the water in the tub settle around him, and listened to the rain drops sizzle and ping against the distilling equipment. There was nothing else, no other sounds in the night. He closed his eyes and stretched out his Force senses. All of the living things had sought shelter, even the insects. He was alone.

He wanted to feel lonely, upset, bored. Anything. But once he’d run out of energy to be angry every day, he found that he’d lost most of his other emotions with it. He was only numb, empty. He waited for a change, for something new to happen in his life. It never did. Increasingly, he worried that his lifespan as a monster might be longer than a human's. What would he do with all the empty days? At one time, it may have been alarming, upsetting. He might have been angry. But now... nothing.

The traces of acid rain in the tub helped loosen the tangles in his fur, helped rid him of leaves and dirt better than his usual bath. But after a point, the acidic water began burning his skin, so he eventually climbed out, shaking himself, feeling the pull in his fur as he shook the water off.

He stood in the middle of the clearing, dark and blind to most of the beings on the planet. Not another creature stirred. The rain hissed around him, and the humidity began growing oppressive.

There wasn’t anything else for Kylo to do with the night. He couldn’t hunt. The Chlorohelions would be in with the humans, and there were no non-native workers planetside to watch and follow. All of them had left on the last orbital shuttle.

He crept back to his cave, shaking himself one more time before crawling in among the roots of the giant Arroval tree. On nights like this, there was nothing to do but resign himself to going through his memories again, worn and handled so much over the years for lack of anything new to think of and experience. When there was nothing else, he escaped into them, remembering what it was like to be human, to be a Jedi in training and to travel around with Luke, and mostly Hux.

He had Hux’s uniform tunic in his cave. It was now his only possession. Hux had taken it off when they’d come planetside the first time, and the Chlorohelions had brought it to him after he'd changed and Hux disappeared. He kept it, and slept with it. It no longer smelled like Hux, and it was filthy and threadbare from Kylo sleeping on it. But it was the only proof he had that Hux existed.

He was sure many of his memories weren’t true anymore, that he’d imagined things differently so many times he no longer knew what his old life had been like. On his worst days, he had begun to believe that he’d made it all up, that he’d never been human. And he probably didn’t really remember what Hux looked like. But when he closed his eyes, he could still see him so clearly.

The memories he had with Hux were so strong, though they'd only been together three days. Everything about them was still overwhelming. His first glimpse of Hux, watching the doors of the Republic Senate, wearing that military uniform and looking so uncomfortable and out of place. He'd been the most handsome person Ben had ever seen in real life. Ben had been drawn to him immediately, had needed to walk over and speak to him, though he'd taken a private exit from the Senate to avoid speaking to anybody.

And Hux had been there for _him_. He’d had no interest in Ben's mother or uncle, unlike everyone else in the galaxy. He'd come to meet Ben, because Hux thought he was famous, and had been watching him from the Outer Rim for years. He’d had an expressionless face that was difficult for Ben to read. He normally hated that on other people - it was a politician’s technique, practiced by his mother and others, and Ben hated that they could hide themselves like that. Ben never could.

But Hux was different. The politician’s expressions were an art, a kind of social performance. Hux’s performance, the way he feigned interest or anything else, was so false that it was embarrassing. The way he tried to hide his thoughts seemed more like a defense mechanism, as if he was afraid to let anything out. It seemed shaped more by fear than art.

Though Hux had seemed fearless, on the surface. He was confident, his thoughts a single-minded litany pushing himself to succeed, a constant refrain to make what he wanted a reality. Discovering that had been incredible, mainly because what Hux wanted was Ben. He was obsessed, to a degree that should have been unsettling. But Ben wanted it too, and seeing himself featured so prominently in Hux's thoughts had been heady.

Hux seemed to value him so much more than that, though. Hux was attracted to his power of course, which wasn't new. But Hux had wanted _everything_. Ben's power, his body, his mind. He wanted every part of Ben Solo. Seeing that repeating through his thoughts, tied up in his emotions and his plans for the future, had taken Ben by surprise. Ben hadn't been used to such single-minded focus on himself, even from Luke. To see that, and to fulfill every expectation by simply existing, had made him ache for Hux. He would have done nearly anything for that adoration.

Which was silly of course, not just because they barely knew each other, but because of who Hux was. Ben didn't need to read his mind to know he was a fringe fanatic. He dressed like an obvious ex-Imperial, and couldn't seem to stop talking about his illegal ideas. His thoughts and opinions were glaringly anti-Republican, and he frequently fantasized about what he and Ben could do to overthrow the government. On some level, he'd been trying to manipulate Ben into joining him to do just that. But his attempts were ridiculous, aside from the fact that Ben could read his mind and see that he was doing it. Ben would have come with him anyway, simply because Hux had loved him before they'd even met. 

He missed Hux’s terrible acting, his thin expressionless face, his blue eyes, his red hair that looked so good when it was a mess after they’d slept together. How tall Hux was, the sound of his voice. His fanaticism, his single-mindedness, his obsession with Ben. The miles of pale, freckled skin he’d hidden under that silly uniform, how smooth it had been under Ben’s hands, how Hux had blushed, and how that skin had gone from cool to so hot. Before he’d met Hux, he hadn’t even _wanted_  sex. After, he wanted to keep Hux forever.

He didn't have hands as a monster, and missed them terribly, dwelling overly-long on things like what it had felt like to eat, and how he had built his lightsaber. He'd built it a thousand times in his memory over the years. But more than anything, it was the sensation of Hux below his hands that Kylo missed. He often fantasized about touching him, and what that would feel like. He missed kissing Hux, too, and talking to him, sleeping with him, having Hux’s undivided attention. But he wanted to touch him badly, and feel Hux run his fingers through his hair again. Kylo would do anything for that.

But there was nothing he could do to change it, so he slept. He tried to stay awake until sunrise, to exhaust himself so that he could sleep through the heat of the next day. But he didn’t have enough room to exercise in the root cave, and there wasn’t anything else he could do out in the acid rain of the night. And sleep came so easily to him now.

Sometimes, on good days, he would dream of Hux. He was always older, in a different uniform. Sometimes he wore a coat over his shoulders that looked like a cape. In the dream, Kylo knew he wore it to make himself look broader, to conceal just how narrow and thin he was. The coat hid the fact that Kylo’s hands would nearly fit around his waist. They lived together, somewhere else. Maybe it was the First Order, aboard what Kylo thought a Star Destroyer looked like. They had a room together. Kylo was human. He could touch Hux as much as he wanted. He did.

He wore a mask in these dreams, and everyone was frightened of him. This was always the most disappointing thing about them - that even in his dreams, he had to be a monster.

 _Kyloren_.

He cracked an eye open, the voice of the Chlorohelion bringing him away from the vague happiness of his dreams. The sky had lightened and the rain had stopped, leaving a sulfur stink and a low fog threading through the detritus on the forest floor. Five Chlorohelions clung to the ceiling, their massive bright blossoms a riot of color in the dark cave.

_Kyloren. The Cobalt family increased on this rainy night. The girl child is healthy. Born with dark hair._

_Kyloren. Tott White and Tiro Saffron have formed a couple. They are seen frequently together on the harvest vines, and take meals with each other._

_Kyloren. Barad Saffron has taken his first steps. The elder Saffrons believe he will be a dance prodigy. Already, Gallis Crimson plays for him-_

Kylo blinked blearily, filtering out the voices of the Chlorohelions in his thoughts the best he could. They had spoiled the Hux dream. He tried to cling to the memory of it, but he couldn’t concentrate enough to remember with the chorus of voices ringing through his thoughts.

_Kyloren. Lethro Indigo and Grenz Indigo are close to a blood feud. They fought in the traditional way, just before the rains yesterday, and Grenz broke Lethro’s nose-_

_Tell Lethro to find me. I’ll break more than his nose._  He yawned. Threats of violence against their families always confused the Chlorohelions. He rose, savoring the several silent seconds it took the Chlorohelions to process what he’d said.

_Lethro Indigo will not find you, Kyloren. We can tell the families nothing ourselves._

_Kyloren, the families can not fight you._

_Kyloren-_

They never brought him anything at sunrise, so he simply left them clinging to the roof of the cave. His muscles were sore and stiff after sleeping for so long, nearly for an entire day and night. His feet stirred the fog on the forest floor, and a slight chill in the air stung his nose. He squinted up into the canopy, weary of stray drops of acid rain that dripped after a storm.

Walking felt good, after stillness and sleep and with the cool air stirring against him, so he decided to run the rest of the way to the transportation hub. It was early, so he ran laps around the clearing, weaving in and out of nearby root systems and underbrush until the orbital shuttle arrived. The sky brightened and colored as the sun rose higher, and slowly, the chill left the air as the temperature crept up. It would be some time before the sun touched the forest floor, but it always got hot very fast.

The run made Kylo feel lighter and more carefree than he had in a long time. Today, he was also cleaner than usual after the slightly acidic bath. He felt the wind on his face, and he let his tongue loll. He hated the reminder of his monster nature, and usually didn’t do it unless it was hot. But today, he felt good. Peaceful.

When the sky over the clearing darkened to indicate the arrival of the orbital shuttle, Kylo pulled up short, concealing himself near the aging concrete bunker that served as a rain shelter. The fog would make him stand out, even with the forest floor still cast in shadow, but it didn’t matter. Today, he wanted to be near the reptilians as they drove the transports off the shuttle, wanted to smell them as they all did the final checks on the transports and tools. He wanted to be close to other beings that weren’t the Chlorohelions.

So he sat down near the path to the landing pad, close enough for the workers to touch if he revealed himself to them. He concealed himself with the Force, then stretched his senses out, eyes on the landing pad as he waited for the shuttle to settle and the ramp to extend.

He tensed. Something was… _different_. Nothing was ever different.

There were six reptilians. Two of them would be taking the ground transport back to the southern continent and staying there. The journey was long, and they did maintenance and medical work for the settlers while they were there. They would not be back until tomorrow evening.

Four of the workers would remain here, in the northern settlements.

There was the usual human pilot, and the human officer, who Kylo never saw.

There was another, his emotions rich and distinct, even from a distance. He was annoyed. Inconvenienced. Frustrated. He didn’t know what else to do.

Kylo could _feel_  him. Could feel his human emotions, and even the distinct edges of his thoughts.

It felt like Hux.

 _Hux_.

He stood, taking several steps toward the ramp. The hatch opened, and two of the workers stepped through, freezing as they saw him on the ramp. He wasn’t maintaining the Force misdirection. He didn’t care.

“Kyloren,” one hissed, backing up and saying something in the guttural language. Kylo bared his teeth to get past them, growled low and threatening. He knew his monster teeth were intimidating, large enough that his mouth didn’t close all the way. He’d learned to push his lower jaw forward and pull his lips back to bare them. Though he had no idea what he looked like, he knew it must be terrible. It worked again, the reptilian workers stepping aside, and Kylo bounded up the ramp, hardly seeing them as he pushed past, all but running now, his claws clicking and sliding against the metal of the ramp and shuttle floors.

The air on the shuttle was noticeably cooler, and so much drier. It smelled… fresh. Strange, after so long in the sulfur stink of Exitens. He heard the workers yelling, barking in their language. He growled at them. It was distracting, he was trying to concentrate, to hold onto the distinct human emotions that were growing stronger.

In the main passenger hold, the other four reptilian workers were pressed against the wall, glaring at him, grimacing with a mouthful of their own tiny teeth. The officer that Kylo usually sensed was standing in the doorway, in a neat uniform, a look of utter shock on her face.

And Hux was there. He stood in the middle of the hold, a large bag slung over one shoulder. He wore baggy uniform pants and a sleeveless shirt. He was older, but his skin was still pale, and he was still tall, still too thin. His hair was loose. He looked annoyed, glancing around to the reptilians, then the officer. His back was to Kylo. Kylo felt him distinctly, could read his thoughts clearly. He didn’t know what they were frightened of, Hux had heard nothing, he didn’t understand the reptilians. It was probably superstition. He was going to the villages, he needed to get off the transport.

Hux turned, then froze when he saw him. His eyes widened, his mouth fell open.

Kylo realized he was still bearing his teeth, growling out of habit. He stopped, opening his mouth and relaxing his jaw, staring at Hux. He sat down on the floor, frozen, not knowing what to do.

 _Hux_. It was really and truly _Hux_.

Hux’s thoughts had stopped, his emotions fizzling and dying, then jumping immediately to the fear that Kylo dreaded. He himself for the inevitable. Hux would be frightened of him. Hux would flee. He’d never thought about how he’d tell Hux it was him. He couldn’t. He was a monster.

Instead, Hux's fear passed as soon as it came. There was surprise. Incredibly, recognition. Which wasn’t right, it had to be Kylo misunderstanding. There was no way Hux would-

“Ren?” Hux’s voice was quiet, his expression open and shocked. There was still recognition, surprise. Then, sadness. Shock. Remorse. Regret.

“Ren-” His face was blank again, and he took a step toward Kylo, extending a hand.

Kylo had a moment to wonder what Hux was calling him. The second half of his monster name. Why did Hux know it? Why did Hux recognize Kyloren, and not Ben Solo?

Kylo stood again, agitated, distracted. He didn’t see the First Order Officer behind Hux draw her blaster. Didn’t see the stun shot that hit him. Only saw Hux whip around, furious.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When he woke, he was lying on his side, confused. It didn’t smell like the cave, and he never slept anywhere else. There was also something wedged underneath him, and something yanking on the fur near his back legs.

Nothing ever touched him. Nothing ever came this close.

He twisted and snapped, coming up with empty air. Whatever was wedged underneath him jerked. He scrambled, trying to stand, growling, on his guard.

“Ren,” a voice said. Speaking to him. _Speaking to him._  He felt an arm clamp around his side, another wrap around his neck.

“You’re awake. Calm down. _Ren_.”

He came awake more fully, remembering. Hux. _Hux_.

Hux was holding him. He twisted around, saw Hux’s mild expression. Kylo wanted. He wanted to touch him, to speak to him. Make sure he was real. Hold him, tell him he was sorry-

“ _Ren_. Calm down. You have to calm down.”

He couldn’t. He felt affection, frustration, relief. He twisted, trying to stand, trying to get a better look at Hux. Hux grimaced, but let him up, his eyes moving over him.

“Fine. Don’t calm down. How long have you been…” Hux gestured. “A wolf?”

He was sitting next to the transportation bunker, in the shade of an Arroval tree, his feet braced against the ground and knees spread. It was hot, the middle of the day, and Hux’s sleeveless gray shirt was damp with sweat, his loose black pants dusty from the dirt of the forest floor. He had a large bag on the ground next to him, and a brush clogged with Kylo's fur. They were alone, the usual sounds of the forest around them. Hux was. Here. Apparently brushing out his matted fur.

Kylo sat, staring at him. Hux’s eyebrows went up.

“It's been long enough to hold a grudge against me? We can’t talk?”

Kylo bared his teeth, growling. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t speak Basic. Not as a monster. _Wolf_ , whatever Hux called him.

Hux frowned, and seemed to struggle with something. “You… think you can’t talk. I told you to calm down. Just speak into my head, like you always do.”

Kylo growled again. He didn’t have those powers, hated that Hux believed he did. He couldn’t… not with humans. He wasn’t one anymore. Whatever they had, it wasn’t there. But he was still fond of Hux, slightly exasperated. Annoyed.

Hux rolled his eyes. “I can’t… you think we aren’t linked. We are. I’ve seen you without your Force powers, and I’m sure you have them now. I can feel every one of your annoying thoughts. Distinctly. More than usual.”

This was infuriating, to be so close, and mocked with what he couldn’t have. Hux was wrong. And what did he mean, he’d seen Kylo without his Force powers? He’d always had them, had never-

“Yes, I know, but I’ve seen it. And I know you can communicate now, but I can’t tell you how to enter my mind. I can’t do it to you unless you…” He gestured again, frustrated. “I don’t know how you do it, but I can’t speak into your mind unless you allow it. But you can do it to me. Just try.”

He couldn’t. Hux didn’t understand. He stood, pacing, agitated. Hux was here, Hux had come for him, but he was still a monster-

“ _Shut up_ , Ren. Obviously I can obviously understand you. Can you try to speak? Just… think something at me. I don’t know. I wouldn't be able to understand you unless...” He sighed, his eyes closing, leaning back against the bunker. “Unless we were bound.”

He felt wary, with Hux’s mention of being _bound_. But Kylo wasn’t wary about their bond, it was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. _Hux_  was.

Hux. Hux was weary. Kylo latched onto it. Wary, exhausted. So, so pleased he’d found Ren. Hux’s eye cracked open.

“There. That’s… stronger. Try that. Say something to me.”

What? Say what? _Hux was here-_

“There. Yes, yes, I’m here. Something more productive. How long have you been here?”

Kylo’s mouth fell open. He could _speak to Hux_ , it was _possible_ -

“Ren.” Hux’s voice was sharp, more like an order. “You have to calm down. We’re wasting time, and I’d rather… solve this. _How long have you been here?_ ”

Kylo huffed. _Solve this,_  he thought, distinctly, before sitting down in front of Hux. _You say that like you can_.

Hux looked at him, looked him up and down, taking all of him in. Kylo searched his thoughts, his emotions. There was no fear, nothing but curiosity. “I’ve been through some strangeness myself.” His eyes found Kylo’s. “I will admit, I have yet to find you… transformed in body. But it’s not far removed from what I normally find.”

 _Transformed_. Kylo stood, started pacing again, felt the dirt churn as his claws sank into the ground. _I’m a monster._

“You’ve always been a monster.” Hux shrugged, stretching his legs out and spreading them in front of him. “I don’t care about that.”

Kylo couldn’t sit still, couldn’t stop pacing. He felt like running, calling the Chlorohelions. Hux was here. Hux..

_You don’t care that I look like this?_

“Mmm. You are a wolf. It presents difficulties. But you seem… otherwise yourself. Monstrous and all. I appreciate that. And I've been looking for you.” He stretched a hand out. “Come here and let me see you.”

Kylo was overcome. He was a monster, and Hux didn’t care. Hux had been looking for him. He took several large steps forward, sitting down between Hux's spread legs and leaning against his chest, pushing his nose into Hux’s neck. He inhaled.

He’d imagined Hux’s scent over the years. He had vague memories of it, but… his sense of smell was stronger as a monster, and he was nearly overwhelmed by it now. Hux was sweating, and not particularly clean, for a human. The First Order officers had been cleaner, but Hux didn’t smell like the sulfur on this planet, and it contrasted sharply with everything else. He could smell the fabric of Hux’s shirt, the slight smell that was collecting under his arms and in his elbows and elsewhere, from the sweat and just being Hux. He trembled, then licked Hux’s neck, tasting the sharp salt flavor.

“No, not that,” Hux said, annoyed, pushing at Kylo’s shoulders to stop him. “Let me look at you.”

Kylo obeyed, pushing himself back and straightening his posture. He was taller than Hux, sitting like this, and Hux peered up at him, still apparently unmoved by his curse.

Hux reached up, tugging at the fur around his neck. “Amazing. I knew you immediately, even like this.”

 _What_ \- Kylo shuffled, uneasy. _I don’t know what I look like. How did you know it was me?_

“I would know you anywhere, it turns out. But. If I’m looking for it. Your eyes are the same. I think I saw that first, before I even saw the rest of you. And your… fur, I suppose.” He pulled on it again. “It’s the same color as your hair. Wavy, long. Dark. A little lighter, when the sun hits it, kind of… brown. Copper.” His expression softened for a moment, and Kylo felt his fingers stroking gently at his neck. Another moment, and Hux’s face cleared, went back to his usual blank expression. “How can you stand it, when it’s this hot out?”

_I can’t. I sleep during the day._

“Mmm.” Hux’s scrutiny continued, and Kylo was suddenly uncomfortable with the attention, after going so long being invisible. After a moment, Hux frowned, shaking his head. “You’re also enormous. As always. Even as a wolf. I thought wolves were smaller than this.”

 _Wolf,_  Kylo repeated. It had the edge of a question.

“That’s what they tell me you are. Or, what the monster on Exitens is. I didn’t realize it was you until I saw you. Wolves are fairly common. But usually not so big.” He reached his hand up, pulled on Kylo’s ear. “Your ears are still big, too. You said you don’t know what you look like?”

_No. I never asked for a mirror._

Hux smiled, just for a moment, and tugged his ear again. “Bend down. I want to try something.”

His hands moved to frame Kylo’s face, and Kylo let him guide his head down, bending his neck and shuffling his feet to get lower. Hux pulled their foreheads together and shut his eyes. Kylo did the same.

Hux thought of him, pictured him perfectly in his head. Kylo jerked, but Hux squeezed his face, his fingers tangling in the fur on his neck. He saw himself looking down on Hux, sitting in front of him, his eyes light brown, more yellow, he thought, as a monster. His teeth were big. You could see them even with his mouth closed, but he’d had it open when he looked at Hux, each one long and white. They were a bit crooked, one was chipped. He’d chipped one of his teeth when he was ten.

His fur was long. The way Hux pictured it, it fell in gentle waves, smooth and dark over his body, slightly shorter down his legs. His legs were thick, ending in enormous paws with his familiar black claws. His ears were tall, pointed. He hadn’t known that. His nose - muzzle, his face - was overly long, monstrous with the teeth on either side. His head was large, his neck longer than most of the canids he’d seen.

Kylo wasn’t sure what to make of it, shocked to see his transformation after all these years. _Monster_.

“I told you, you’ve always been a monster.” Hux pulled back, tugging on his hair and letting one hand drop away, the other sliding down his neck, resting near his shoulder. “Of all the things that have happened to me… _recently_ ,” he emphasized the word, saying it with distaste, his lips thinning a moment before continuing, “I’ve never woken up inhuman. Neither have you. Although we were close enough.” He slumped back against the bunker again, his knees coming up to squeeze Kylo’s sides. “I combed your hair, by the way, while you were stunned. You were a mess before that. Stars. How long have you been like this?”

_Since you left._

Hux tensed, his eyes widening and his posture growing stiff. There was a moment of sharp surprise, delight, discordant as it rang through their shared thoughts. “Since I left here? You knew me? We were together?”

Kylo blinked, cocking his head. _You don’t remember?_

“No, I remember,” he said quickly, suddenly agitated, excited. “Tell me. Tell me what happened. What you remember.”

Kylo growled, standing and stepping back, out of Hux’s reach. He didn’t want to talk about this. “You know what happened. You left. I was cursed right after that.”

Hux stood, shaking his head, using his arm to wipe at the sweat on his forehead. His hair was dark with it, the ripe smell of him, still cleaner than the rest of the planet, becoming more obvious. Heady. He was so different, and it had been so long since Kylo had been this close to a human.

“I don’t always remember,” he said carefully. “I was cursed, too. I keep… waking up with different memories, and I have to find you. It takes a long time.” He frowned. “Six months this time. But. You never really remember me when we meet again.”

That… couldn't be true. Was Hux lying, not wanting to tell him how he got off the planet? Kylo growled again, the anger that came so quickly now rising up. He moved faster, restless, furious.

“I’m not lying,” Hux explained calmly, his brow furrowing slightly. He was annoyed, too. “How is that any stranger than you turning into a wolf?”

Kylo paused. That was true. And he had believed Hux was cursed. Just… as a monster.

Still. _You don’t look cursed. And why would I forget you?_  The last seemed impossible. He would never forget Hux.

“I’m not… physically cursed, like you, if you want to call it that.” He frowned, gripping his shoulder. “Not usually. Not like you, anyway.” He waved a hand at Kylo, who was still pacing, churning up the dirt next to the bunker. “You never forget me completely. You always know me, through visions. Or fantasies.” He closed his eyes and shook his head again, a wave of sadness washing through him. “But you and I, whenever I come back, we’ve never met.”

_I don’t understand._

“I’m not telling you all of it right now,” Hux snapped. He turned and faced the building, putting a palm against it. “What I remember, my real memories. We met in Hosnian City. I was looking for you there, but you found me first. We were intimate. We came here, because I wanted to show you the First Order. We helped the settlers with infighting. When we left, I asked you to come back with me. You said no. I-” Hux exhaled, turning around. His expression had softened. “I didn’t like that.”

There was an apology in his thoughts, and admission that he’d done wrong. It was so unlike Hux’s usual confidence. Kylo stopped pacing, staring at him.

_We never left. I never left._

Hux frowned. “You never left Exitens?”

 _No. We fought. I-_  Of all the things Kylo traced over and over in his memories, this one he’d left behind. He hated thinking about it. It was shameful, it was why he’d been cursed. He couldn’t look at Hux as he admitted it. _I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… said those things. I woke up like this after, and you were gone._

Hux held himself very still. He was anxious about something. Angry. Frustrated. Not at Kylo.

“The rest of it? We met in Republic City. How old were you?”

_Twenty._

Hux nodded, and seemed to adjust his posture, his hands behind his back, shoulders straight. He carried himself more stiffly than he had when they’d first met.

“I was twenty-two. We… met in front of the Republic Senate, and we slept together that night. You had a lightsaber demonstration the next day, and I went to see it. We ate after that. The next day, we came here. Spent the day.” Hux was looking at him sharply, his thoughts blurring. He was agitated, thinking fast, angry.

 _Yeah. That’s what happened._  All of it. He’d gone over it all just last night. The more mundane details stood out, the way Hux described it. The taste of the soup Hux hadn’t liked. His grip on the lightsaber during that presentation, and how angry he’d been, how he’d beaten Nella in front of that crowd, and how angry Luke had been with him after. The pleasantly warm air on his face outside the Republic Senate.

Hux was suddenly horrified. His hands fell to his side, and he hunched slightly, bending down to match Kylo’s eye level. “And you’ve been here since?”

 _Yes_.

He straightened, looking upset. “Fourteen years? Fifteen?” He glanced around, then back at Kylo. His voice dropped. “Like this? What have you been doing all this time?”

Hux’s tone, his horror - he was _offended_. He was accusing Kylo of. Of-

He bounded up, pushing Hux over. Hux fell to the ground, Kylo pinning him with giant paws on Hux’s thin shoulders. His claws made red marks in Hux’s pale flesh, and the sweat that felt like saliva ran from his mouth. He bent low over Hux, growling.

_What was I supposed to do, Hux? Tell me._

Hux’s reaction wasn’t at all what he’d thought. There was no horror. No fear. Just… overwhelming regret. Loathing, directed at himself. His eyes softened as he stared up at Kylo.

“Ben. I’m sorry.” He wrapped his hands around Kylo’s legs, where the pinned his shoulders. “I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s horrifying. And it’s my fault.”

It wasn’t the reaction Kylo had expected. It was his anger, he had so little control over it. It hadn’t really mattered before, and he’d always acted on impulse. But when it had happened before, all the others had been afraid. Smelled like it.

Hux wasn’t afraid. And Hux, in his memories, or the version of Hux he’d built up in his mind, was never sorry. About anything. But especially this.

 _What do you have to be sorry about?_  Kylo huffed, and stepped away, pulling himself reluctantly out of Hux’s grip.

“All of it,” Hux answered simply, laying on his back as his eyes followed Kylo. “Well. Maybe not all of it. Most of it. But I’ll do better this time.” He pushed himself up, swiping at his forehead with a dusty hand. He looked at his sweat-stained shirt, then glared up through the trees, his mood shifting.

“Do you have a den or something? Somewhere where it’s cooler, and not oppressively hot and humid?”

 _No_ , Kylo answered, but turned and began walking through the woods, down the usual path. Hux followed, his bag rustling as he grabbed it off the ground, his steps sounding loud to Kylo after the years - fourteen? - of solitude.

He led Hux to the root cave. Hux sneered at it, shading his eyes and wiping at his forehead again, then glanced down at Kylo and seemed to remember himself.

“Have you lived here the whole time?”

_In this cave? Why not. One tree is as good as the others._

“You don’t go up to the villages?”

_How? By climbing the trees?_

“Mmm. I have…” Hux slung the bag off his shoulder, then began digging through it, eventually pulling out a gray bundle of cloth. “I have an emergency shelter. Last I remember, these have climate control for both heat and cold, but it’s hard to say what they have now.” He looked it over, then glanced back at Ren. “It might last a few hours. Is that agreeable?”

Kylo hadn’t been inside climate control in years. He didn’t answer directly, but Hux seemed to understand, and soon had the tiny shelter pitched under the tree. Kylo climbed through the small opening first, then Hux, dragging the rest of his bag in with him.

“I programmed the temperature very low. I think it will burn out soon in this heat, but in the meantime, we’ll be comfortable.”

It was difficult for them both to fit in the tiny space, which wasn’t quite long enough for Hux to lie down in. Eventually they settled for Hux laying against Kylo’s stomach with his legs pulled up, Kylo somewhat curled around Hux’s body. Hux reached up, buried his arms in Kylo’s fur, and closed his eyes. Hux’s touch was warm, but not unbearably hot. The chill settled over Kylo, and he laid his head down, staring at Hux.

“There. This way, it’s equal.”

_Equal?_

“My eyes are closed, and you’re speaking into my head. Just like always.”

 _Always_.

“Well.” Hux seemed unsure about something. He made a face, then continued aloud. “I told you that my memories are different. We lived together in the First Order. We did this… Not often. We should have”

An absurd wave of self-loathing and jealousy hit Kylo, Hux's fake memories affecting him far more than he should have allowed. _When you asked me to go with you, I said yes? And we lived together? For years? As a couple?_

Hux huffed. “You didn’t say yes. But. Eventually.” He gestured with his hand in the air. “We lived together after that.”

Kylo considered this fantasy. Years, _years_ , that he was able to spend with Armitage, together in the First Order, doing the things that Hux promised they would.

Hux had said his memories were altered as part of a curse. It didn’t seem like much of a curse to Kylo, if Hux got to keep years of happy memories while Kylo was turned into a monster and exiled. But he was willing to accept Hux’s story at face value. And he wanted it to be true. _So badly._  He wanted to hear more, to lose himself in it.

_Was it like you told me it would be?_

“Mmm… yes, I think so. Mostly.”

And Hux told him about it. About the missions, how they had conquered planets and negotiated with governments and trained the army, how they’d made their forces larger and fought back against the New Republic. Kylo sensed there were things he left out, and others he was exaggerating. It didn’t matter. Kylo only wanted the good things now. He’d had so few.

_Were we happy?_

Hux rolled over, meeting Kylo’s eyes. It was the first time he’d opened his eyes since they’d settled into the shelter. The temperature was dropping, though the sun was beating down on one side, the pattern of roots casting shadows through the fabric.

“I don’t know.”

Kylo’s heart froze in his throat. If they weren’t happy there, what was left?

It was annoying, infuriating, that Hux couldn’t simply _lie_  about it. A lie would have been just as real, and meant more.

_Did you love me?_

The corner of Hux’s mouth quirked, and he settled back into Kylo’s side, closing his eyes and tangling his fingers into Kylo’s fur.

“ _Did_  I? You assume I don’t now? I went through a lot to find you. This time, your uncle was involved. He’s insufferable. More obnoxious than you.”

Kylo tried to picture what a conversation between Luke and Hux would look like, and found he couldn’t. Luke hadn’t liked Hux, back when they’d met in Republic City. But he didn’t want to think about Luke right now. He wanted to know more about Hux. Everything.

_What happened to you? When you disappeared?_

“I didn’t disappear.” Hux seemed unsure, his thoughts wavering, though his voice remained steady, and his fingers continued to rake through the hair at Kylo’s neck. “I woke up one day, and all those things I remembered weren’t true, and you weren’t in the First Order. So I had to find you.”

“You said it took six months.”

“This time. I’ve found you several times before.”

Kylo was annoyed. _You didn’t._

Hux was frustrated too. He seemed unwilling to explain the rest, thinking that Kylo wouldn’t believe him. “You say I disappeared. What do you mean?”

 _You just… vanished. I thought you’d-_  

Died. It was the only thing that made sense, moreso than the fantasy about Hux being a monster stuck in the southern settlements. But he’d never been able to stop hoping.

“The First Order thought I was gone too,” he replied, considering. “I left for my graduation holiday, and never reported for duty after. I’ve been missing for fourteen years, marked as deceased out of respect for my father. My reappearance was…” He frowned, and did an extraordinary thing where he dismissed every thought he had on the subject. The swirl of his thoughts, his worries and everything else, stilled to apathetic indifference. Kylo sat up straighter, boggling at it. Hux made it seem so simple.

“My reappearance was unexpected,” he continued, obviously seeing Kylo’s thoughts, his own turning slightly smug. “I woke up in an empty bed. I didn’t have any access to the systems. I didn’t have uniforms, I didn’t have anything. My status changed from dead to deserted. The usual punishment for desertion is reprogramming. No sense in wasting a recovered resource. Apparently, my father and others…” His thoughts turned dark. “Well. They didn’t like me. I was sentenced to death, so I escaped to find you. There really was no trace of me after I met you in the First Order. I thought you’d talked me into staying with you.”

His voice turned wistful at the end. Kylo huffed, hating himself again, the self-loathing making his stomach turn.

 _No. We… fought_ , he admitted reluctantly.

When he hesitated, Hux encouraged him. “We always fight. Neither of us has ever vanished because of it, though we’ve certainly both wished for it before.” He stopped himself. “Well. I guess that's exactly what happened on Ventu. But that wasn’t the fight you’re thinking of. Tell me what happened.”

 _We stopped the infight among the settlers, and destroyed that transport. We missed the last orbital shuttle and had to stay overnight, so we found a cave to sleep in. Before we fell asleep, you told me to come with you to the First Order, that I had to leave my family. You didn’t ask. But I said I didn’t want to go with you, even though I-_  It was hard to admit, after all this time. He told himself he’d feel better, that admitting it now would fix what happened before. But it was embarrassing. _I wanted to, I didn’t want to leave you._

“Don’t be ridiculous. I was being unreasonable.”

_You remember that fight?_

“Not in a… cave. Why a cave? Why not the transportation bunker?”

Kylo thought about it. _I don’t know. I guess we found the cave first. I don’t think we talked about the bunker._

Hux seemed disturbed by this, for some reason. “We fought on a transport ship back to the New Republic, as I recall. Neither of us disappeared. Tell me what you remember.”

 _I… said things I shouldn’t have._  Kylo should have treasured Hux. Like this, always. They should have been together, like Hux remembered. Maybe this was part of the punishment, too. Kylo had been made to spend years feeling sorry for himself, and Hux returned with all the memories Kylo wished he shared.

“Don’t be coy. What did you say?”

_I told you that you were a lying, self-centered fanatic that would say anything if you thought I would agree with you. I also called you a deluded Imperial washout._

When Kylo stopped, Hux encouraged him again, more annoyed this time, but not by the names. “You’ve called me all those things before. What else?”

 _You told me that you would never comm me or speak to me again if I refused to come with you. It… was bad, and I wanted to hurt you, and your confidence. So. I said I regretted meeting you, that I should never have wasted my time with Rimmer trash like you. That I deserved better, and if you thought I was going to waste Jedi talents on nowhere rocks in exile Wild Space, you were delusional. I told you…_  Kylo hated to think of it. He was angry. He didn’t know how this sounded. He’d tried to avoid thinking of it, but the conversation rang through his mind, over and over, clear as those peaceful mornings at the Temple. This was the thing he’d done that had turned him into a monster.

_You tried to tell me that what we had was special, that we could change things together, and I said that I was special, but that you were nobody. I told you that ass like yours was a dime a dozen at any spaceport. I said I never wanted to see you again, to leave and take your miserable life with you._

It was hard to admit, as if saying it again would somehow curse him a second time, or cause Hux to vanish again.

Instead, Hux began laughing. It was unexpected, loud at first, quickly smothered to a stifled snickering. His thoughts were full of amusement, and an awareness that he needed to stop before Kylo got angry.

 _That’s funny_ , Kylo answered, furious. Hux was mocking him. It was an old sore spot, something from his Jedi days. He hated being mocked, and hadn’t expected it from Hux.

“No, it’s not you. It’s just. That’s exactly what you needed to say to drive me off.” Hux’s eyes opened, and they were so blue. He was smiling, thrilled, and Kylo immediately forgot his anger. His heart clenched, his stomach tightened. He wanted to touch his flushed cheeks, kiss his grin. He hated that he was a monster.

“You’ve always been good at saying exactly the right thing to set me off. You’ve never implied that you’d fuck someone else, though.” He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes again. “I really would have been furious.”

_But you’re not mad now._

“No. I’ve…” Hux had another wave of regret and intense self-doubt, then rolled over, looking into Kylo’s eyes again. “What happened next?”

_You left. I… stayed in the cave, even though it was wet and smelled… floral._

“Floral.” Hux’s tone was flat, and his hands clenched in Kylo’s fur. “Floral how?”

_I don’t fucking know. It smelled like flowers. I haven’t smelled anything but rotten eggs for years._

“It’s important. When I… had my curse, it was in a cave that smelled like flowers. I always wake up somewhere else, with another version of you, when I go back to it.”

Kylo perked up. _Really_?

“Honeysuckle.” Hux relaxed again, closing his eyes. “A wealthier, more sensible version of you had it labeled in a ‘fresher. It smells like honeysuckle.”

_I don’t know what that is._

“I think they have them on Ventu.”

 _Ventu_?

“Nevermind. Continue. You were in your cave.”

Kylo continued, slowly. The more he talked about it, the lighter he felt, as if explaining everything to Hux was fitting the pieces of something together. Hux’s faulty memories fit together with his own… And Hux had come back. That was already more than he could have hoped for. But. If Hux was cursed too, it sounded like he knew something about undoing it. Hux could help him.

_I was mad, but I guess I fell asleep somehow. I don’t remember that. But I woke up, and there was no cave, and I looked like this. I went to the transportation center and waited for you, since you were the only one who could help me. But you didn’t come. You weren't there that morning, or that night, or any of the days after that. I checked every shuttle, and you were never there. And you weren’t anywhere else on the planet. The Chlorohelions always looked for you, too._

“The _what_?”

 _They’re…_  Kylo pictured one, the Chlorohelion that had been with the diplomat they'd met together that first day. Hux grunted.

“The plant aliens. They didn’t find me, and you thought I had died?”

 _I did. But…_  This was ridiculous. He hadn’t dared to think this, because it was too serious. Too staggering. But it was true. _We are Force bonded. I’m sure now. I would have felt you die, and I didn’t._

“Ren. You just admitted you didn’t even feel yourself change into a wolf.”

This was annoying. _I was right. You weren’t dead._

“Wasn’t I? Hadn’t I ceased to exist?”

Hux was silent after that. Hux’s thoughts turned over themselves with no particular emotion, and Kylo could pick nothing specific from them. So he tried his own question.

_How did you know my monster name? Why do you call me that?_

Hux’s eyes opened, and Kylo realized his dulled thoughts had been a sign that he was falling asleep. They sharpened, and he took a moment to think about Kylo’s question. “Your what?”

 _You call me_ Ren _. It’s what the… what everyone calls me, the First Order and the Chlorohelions. And I guess the settlers. Kyloren._

“They call you Kylo Ren?”

The way Hux said it was different - two words, enunciated differently.

 _Kyloren_.

“We came up with that name together, after you joined the First Order. That’s odd, that they call you the same here.”

A coincidence. But Uncle Luke would have said there were no coincidences, just the will of the Force. Which was true. It must have been the will of the Force that he was cursed as a monster, nothing else had that kind of power. Maybe the monster name was just the one that fit him best. But it was sad that Hux’s good memories had to include that part of his present.

“It’s not-” Hux rolled over, looking at Kylo again. “I’m sorry. Ben Solo, I’ll call you whatever you want, we don’t have to use that name. But. I think.” Hux clenched his fur again, then moved his hands to Kylo’s face. His thumb traced along his exposed row of teeth. Kylo felt the pressure faintly against his lips. “I think this happened to you to punish me. I think this was part of my curse, and it happened to you too.”

Kylo closed his eyes. _I deserved it. I should have said yes to you._

Hux squeezed his face tighter, almost painfully. Kylo’s eyes opened, and Hux leaned in closer. “No. You didn’t deserve it. I deserved what you said to me then, and- You don’t deserve this. Any of it. I can’t stand that this happened to you. That you’ve been here like this, alone and isolated, since-” Hux closed his eyes, squeezed his face tighter, then buried his forehead in Kylo’s.

“It’s. This is difficult for me to say.”

And so he didn’t, but he still made it clear. That Hux thought that he hadn’t loved Kylo well enough, that he’d done things he shouldn’t have, that Kylo had been miserable with him. That he was sorry, for all of it. That he wanted Kylo again, and he wanted to do better this time. That he would do anything to fix what had happened to Kylo, anything at all.

And then he pictured… terrible things, indistinct. A massive ground-based canon, a village full of slaughtered aliens, Kylo stabbing his father, something that Hux thought was his own father, a corpse dissolving in a tube. Hux strangling someone from behind, Hux stabbing someone in the dark. Hux shooting someone, sentencing someone else to death.

 _Hux_. His remorse almost made Kylo angry. _It’s my punishment. I deserve it. If it had been meant for you, it would have happened to you._

Hux opened his eyes. “Ben Solo hadn’t done anything. Good or bad. Inaction is not a crime in the New Republic.”

Kylo quirked his head, curious. _Did Kylo Ren deserve it?_

Hux’s eyes darted away. “You aren’t Kylo Ren.”

Kylo stood, standing on Hux's chest again, leaning his full weight into him. _Aren’t I? Did I do anything to deserve it?_

Hux stared at him mildly, thinking. Not scared. Just… considering.

“We both did.”

_Not both of us. Me. What was the worst?_

Hux looked away again. “We were Co-Commanders. We did everything together. We-”

 _No_. He lowered his head, growling, wrapping his teeth gently around Hux’s throat. Squeezing, with just the barest bit of pressure. Hux still smelled sharply of sweat, though it was very cool in the tent and it had all dried long ago.

_Me. What did I do, Hux, that made me a monster?_

“You could strip the memories from anyone. You did it frequently, and broke their minds doing it. Slaughtered villages. Abused Officers. Never Troopers.” Hux had turned his head, exposing more of his throat to Kylo. “You killed your father when he tried to bring you back.” Hux closed his eyes. “I would have liked that, before. I’m sorry for it now. But you did all those things because I told you too.”

 _Because you loved me, and would have done anything I asked_ , Hux thought, not saying aloud.

_I still would._

“We killed everyone in the Hosnian system. Billions.”

At that, Kylo’s blood ran cold. The rest of it was stories. Hux’s memories. The Kylo Ren of Hux’s memories was someone he wanted to be, even with all the things Hux had just related. Knowing he was capable stroked some need in him, the thing that killed the First Order officers and hunted the ground foxes and sometimes charmed the birds out of the sky to fall dead through the canopy. All of that was him, it was the monster.

And Hux liked it. Hux had imagined living with him for years, when he was doing it to humans and sentient beings.

But a whole system. Billions. Something about that seemed more real than the other things. Like Hux was speaking it into reality, or had actually seen it.

 _No. That’s a Death Star._  He closed his mouth, backed away from Hux. Hux sat up, studying him.

“It was bigger than a Death Star. There were five planets destroyed at once. The seat of the New Republican government, the whole system. We did it. We gave all the orders. I gave a speech before it fired. You watched from our ship. Billions.”

 _No_.

“No,” Hux agreed, looking at the side of the tent. It was still sunny, still mid-day, still oppressively hot outside the confines of the shelter. “They’re alive now. And you and I are here. I don’t exist, and I’ve-” Hux turned to him, looking stricken. “I’ve been through some things. And so have you. But those people are alive now, and I’m glad.”

Kylo sat on the ground, his head nearly brushing the top of the shelter. Why would he have agreed to that? Thought of it at all? Why would he have killed his father? Kylo barely knew him.

Hux nodded once. “Those people are alive, and we’re here. So. We can move on, and change you back, and...” He trailed off, dropping his gaze and crushing something vaguely alarming in his thoughts, making it go away completely once again.

They were silent. Hux sitting with his legs in front of him, Kylo back on his haunches, staring at him.

“I don’t sleep properly without you, did you know that?” Hux looked up again, and his eyes were still so blue. Kylo had forgotten just how intense his stare was, even with his emotions betraying vague affection. There was some significance to the statement, as if admitting it had cost him something. Kylo wasn’t sure what Hux wanted him to say.

_Do you want to sleep?_

“I’m tired. Certainly you’ll sleep better in the shelter, too.”

 _With me_ , Hux thought, but Kylo didn’t think he was meant to see that. Kylo grew warm all over. Sleeping with Hux. It had happened twice.

 _Yes_ , he agreed quickly. He would have said anything to have Hux close, though he didn't feel like sleeping. He’d slept almost a full cycle the day before, and didn't want to miss a moment of seeing Hux again. He might never sleep again, if he could watch Hux do it instead.

And it was so fucking cold in here. It was… fantastic. They laid next to each other, Kylo stretched out at Hux’s side, Hux’s head on his shoulder and knees tucked to Kylo’s hips.

They both slept, in the end. Hux’s exhaustion dragged his consciousness down with it as their thoughts intertwined and settled.

 

 

* * *

 

  
_Kyloren._

_Kyloren._

_Kyloren we could not access you._

_Kyloren we needed to enter your home._

_Kyloren it took too long you will miss the shuttle._

Kylo growled instinctively, on the edge of consciousness, his typical response to waking up to a noisy and insistent chorus of Chlorohelions. He forgot, until he felt Hux shift against his side.

Then his eyes shot open. He remembered.

_Kyloren. We have found your Hux._

_Kyloren. The Arroval trees tell us your Hux came in yesterday._

_Kyloren. The Arroval trees say you allowed the Hux to drag you off the ship and touch you._

_Kyloren. The Arroval trees say you are groomed._

Their onslaught was loud, overlapping. He growled, louder this time, and Hux groaned.

_Stop. Yes. Hux is here. That’s it. I don’t need the shuttle any more._

_Kyloren has viewed the shuttle twice a sun cycle for five thousand four hundred seventy-nine cycles. Kyloren will miss the shuttle._

_SHUT UP._

The last thought was punctuated by another growl, and an involuntary tensing of his body. Hux sat up, rubbing his face.

“I wasn’t fucking talking!”

Hux blinked, looking around the shelter, then at the large hole where the Chlorohelions had torn through the roof to enter. He gaped up at the enormous flowers hanging from the roof of the shelter, crowding and jostling, their vine tendrils writhing together.

“What are _those?”_

_Chlorohelions. They wake me up every morning._

“Why did they destroy our shelter? I thought the pump would give way, but…” Hux stood and waved his arms at one. He slapped it. The plant didn’t move.

Kylo closed his eyes and yawned. _They bring me food and vitamins in the evenings. Were they talking to you?_

“Talking to me?” Hux turned to look at him, concern for Kylo’s sanity flitting through his thoughts.

_With the Force, Hux. They are actually talking to me. I told them to shut up._

“Tell them not to rip holes in our tent!”

_Kyloren. We could not get in._

_Kyloren. We did not see you, we needed to enter._

_Kyloren._

_QUIET,_  he thought again, growling, then standing to stretch. There was very little room in the shelter for both of them, so Hux stumbled against one of the walls, leaning against the roots. The sun coming through the side indicated that it was late in the day. There wasn’t anything to do now, aside from whatever Hux had planned.

But he felt defensive about the Chlorohelions, especially in the face of Hux’s dismay about the tent.

_They were the only ones I could talk to on this planet. They were probably worried when they couldn't see me. They know where I live, and they know it’s time to wake me up. They needed to give me my supplements._

Hux sighed, then looked up at the giant blossoms of the Chlorohelions. “They talk to you?”

_Kyloren. Your Hux can understand you._

_Kyloren. You are very fortunate. None of our families talk to us._

_Kyloren. Will you tell your Hux to speak to the families. Tell the Whites that Jiinan White is the most skilled weaver._

_Kyloren. Tell your Hux to tell the Cobalts that their children bring great joy onto-_

Kylo growled again, then turned back to Hux. _They want you to tell their human families how much they love them_.

At this, the Chlorohelions above rustled, and their energy grew stronger.

_Kyloren._

_Kyloren._

_Kyloren._

“I’m not speaking to the settlers if I don’t have to,” Hux said, frowning and staring at the agitated plants. “Though, I’m not sure how we’re getting off the planet otherwise.” He turned to look at Kylo again. “You said they feed you?”

Kylo looked up at the Chlorohelions again, telling them that he was hungry. On cue, one dropped down with the usual vitamin supplements, while another set a baked bird at his feet, obviously snatched from a cookfire allegedly provided by a prosperous Crimson household. Another crimson blossom bent down to let Kylo lap at its nectar.

Hux was horrified. “That’s disgusting. Do you actually like the taste of that?”

 _No, but I need it._  He let his tongue hang out of his mouth, staring at the baked bird at his feet, and then Hux. _I can’t go without for very long. That's how it works here._

He wanted the bird. He was starving, and he’d only seen a whole baked bird a handful of times. He almost never got fully prepared food. The hunger cramped his stomach, and he hunched. He wanted to offer it to Hux, but he also wanted to swallow the whole thing.

“Ren. I can hear you slavering over that food. I’m hardly going to snatch it out of the dirt.” Hux waved his hand. “Eat it if you’re that hungry.”

The words were barely out of Hux’s mouth before he scooped the entire bird into his mouth, messily chewing and crunching the bones as he crammed it into his mouth and tried to swallow as quickly as possible. The Chlorohelions seemed pleased by the spectacle.

_Kyloren was hungry._

_Kyloren eats faster than Pardot Sage._

_Kyloren has enjoyed the bounty of the Crimson household._

Once he was finished, he hunched over, sitting back and looking up at Hux.

_Are you hungry?_

Hux rolled his eyes. “I have rations in my bag.” He stepped outside, and Kylo followed him, leaving the noisy chorus of Clorohelions behind them, chanting a reminder that he would miss the shuttle.

Hux drug his sack out of the shelter, then walked for several minutes until he found a small clearing, bathed in the encroaching shadows of sunset. He sat down and pulled out a small tube-shaped package, frowned at it, then bit into the end and began sucking.

 _What is that?_  Kylo sniffed, trying to figure out what kind of food it was, but it was distinctly odorless.

“Standard ration pack. To keep me alive. It’s horrible.”

_Do you want… meat?_

Hux grimaced over the package. “Is that all you eat?”

Kylo responded by sending his awareness out, looking for the nearest… there. Two foxes. He reached out, and found a third. He concentrated, standing still as Hux frowned over his ration and watched, confused.

Presently, the foxes appeared at the foot of the tree, obediently sitting and staring vacantly at them. Hux lowered the ration.

“Are you doing that, or is that something that happens here?”

Kylo was annoyed. _Yes, I’m doing it. I can compel them with the Force. We can eat those, if you want._

Hux watched the foxes carefully. “You said you speak to the Chlorohelions, too. And we are still connected through our thoughts.” He turned to regard Kylo, looking him up and down again. “You must have all of your Force powers. You seemed to think you didn’t, earlier.”

 _Hux. We were talking about whether you’re hungry_.

Hux ignored him, staring at the small foxes again. “You don’t always have full access to your powers.”

 _I can use them to do a lot of things._  He shoved Hux with the Force, hard enough to knock him to his side. _Do you want to eat these or not?_

Hux scowled at him. “I see you use your valuable gifts to great purpose, as always.”

 _Hux_.

“How do you cook them?” he asked, standing and walking over to the foxes, bending to stroke a hand along one’s back.

_I don’t._

Hux froze. “You don’t.”

_I’m a monster, Hux. It’s not like I can cook myself three meals a day. I don’t have hands._

“Can’t you… I don’t know, use the Force to start a fire, or something?”

_What? No. I just eat them raw. Are you joking about the fire?_

“I’m not. That’s disgusting.”

_Then build a fucking fire! You said you taught survival training, didn’t you?_

“I don’t teach it. I just make sure everyone learns it. I can start a fire, but I have no idea how to roast meat.”

Kylo, exasperated and angry, finally snapped the necks of the foxes with the Force. Hux leaned back, startled as the tiny gray bodies went limp and collapsed.

He looked back at Kylo, his thoughts childishly betrayed. “Why did you do that?”

 _It didn’t seem like you wanted to watch me snap their necks with my teeth._  He stalked over, shoving Hux with the Force again, but not hard enough to knock him over. _Can you build a fire, or are you going to watch me eat these raw?_

Hux seemed to turn his thoughts from that, unwilling to acknowledge it. “Yes. There’s enough fallen limbs here, as long as this wood burns. I have a kit in my pack.”

_The wood burns. The families don’t use tech to cook. The Chlorohelions harvest firewood for them._

“Ren. I don’t care.” He shuffled off, dragging a large limb into the clearing a moment later. “Fine. Is there anything you can help me do? Break the branches with the Force? Carry things for me?”

Kylo, amused by Hux’s distress, sat down, letting his mouth fall open and his tongue loll out.

Hux sighed. “Fine. I only spent six months getting here. Or, really, five years. I was nearly executed. And you were only sitting on this planet as a monster, eating raw meat like a savage.”

Hux stared at him. Kylo knew he was being baited, and remained silent, meeting Hux’s gaze with a challenge.

“Whatever,” Hux grumbled. “You’re usually more eager to please me than this.”

_I’m probably usually a person._

“No,” Hux said, dropping the limb in place and rummaging around in his bag, withdrawing a vibroknife and studying its edge for a moment. “You’re always a monster.” He sank the knife into the wood, separating a short length from the end. “But sometimes you are more helpful.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
After two hours of listening to Hux complain, Kylo wondered how Hux had managed to stop himself for three whole days when they'd first met. He also regretted that Hux was apparently comfortable enough to do it around him now.

The fire was hard to start. Once it had begun burning, it was too hot. The meat took too long to cook. It tasted bad, it was tough and dry. Kylo ate most of it, savoring the taste of fresh, hot food. What the Chlorohelions brought was always cold. Hux was right about one thing - the meat was uncooked in the center, but Kylo thought that made it taste better.

Hux didn’t seem to need responses to any of his petty complaints, so Kylo tuned him out the same way he did the Chlorohelions. Enjoying Hux’s company was much more pleasant when Kylo could pretend they were both silent.

“Well,” Hux said eventually, pushing himself off the ground, doing his best to brush the dirt from his pants. “That was terrible.”

_Really? I thought you liked it._

Hux ignored him. “Are we safe to leave the fire here?”

_I don’t know. I’ve never seen a fire on the forest floor before._

“Shouldn’t you be an expert?”

_Aren’t you the one that has survival training?_

“That wasn’t terribly effective on the Star Destroyers. We mostly suffocated to death there.” He circled the smoldering pile of embers, studying it. “Is there a bucket for water I can douse it with?”

 _There’s no water_.

“Of course there isn’t. Well, there’s no grass either, so I suppose it won’t catch and kill us in our sleep.”

Kylo stood, stretching. He hadn’t been _happy_  in a long time. This was very near to it. He walked to Hux, looking up and studying his face. Hux was staring grimly out into the darkness of the forest, the trunks illuminated by the faint light of the fire and an enormous moon that was currently visible through the tree canopy.

“Well. I suppose we can go back to the shelter. We don’t have anything else to do.” He looked down. “Unless there’s an abandoned ship you can pilot off the planet as a wolf?”

 _No_ , Kylo said, annoyed, leading the way back to the cave.

The shelter inside had collapsed, the hole made by the Chlorohelions apparently fatal. Hux swore, balling up the fabric and pitching it out of the cave in a fit of pique. Kylo ignored him, curling up in his usual spot, and Hux stormed back in, withdrawing an emergency lamp from his bag and hanging it from a root. It lit the cave in a sickly yellow-green light. Satisfied, Hux sat down and leaned against Kylo’s side.

They were silent for a long time. Though Kylo had eaten his fill, he wasn’t tired after all the sleep he’d had. He’d usually run around, hunt, find something to do. But Hux would probably complain about exercise.

 _You complain about everything. But not about my being a monster._  Kylo shifted, rolling against Hux’s back and positioning his head in Hux’s lap.

Hux studied him a moment, then sighed, putting his hand on Kylo’s head and running his fingers through his fur again. “You know why.”

_Because I’ll feel bad? I know I’m a monster. I’m used to it._

“I don’t think you are. You’d never seen yourself before. You hid in the woods for fourteen years. That’s the definition of a sensitive subject, Ren.”

_So is the food._

“That’s different.”

_Complaints about the food are worse. I don't have to see myself. I do have to eat every day._

Hux’s fist bunched in Kylo’s hair, pulling. “We can change this. We need to leave the planet. We have to-”

He stopped, lowering his face into the side of Ren’s head.

_We’ll figure it out. We just need to. I don’t know, you can just mind-trick the next transport. We’ll go back to Ventu. That will work._

Hux’s thoughts indicated he didn’t think it would work, and that he was trying to hide this. Hux was, in fact, terrified of going back to Ventu, wherever that was, but he seemed to think this was all they could do. Kylo grew infuriated, because why would Hux lie to him when Kylo could read his thoughts?

But when he tried to pull apart the lie, he realized that the deceit was actually for Hux himself. At the surface, Hux believed what he was saying. Kylo remembered that Hux did this often. He’d done it when he'd tried to convince Ben Solo to join him, too.

 _Can you fly a transport?_  he asked instead.

“That’s what autopilot is for,” he mumbled, just under Kylo’s ears.

Kylo shifted. Orbital transports like the one on Exitens wouldn’t have autopilot, since they were meant to be short-range. Maybe Hux didn’t know that. Kylo remembered that Hux hadn’t been familiar with planetary re-entry when they'd landed on Exitens the first time, and realized there might be a lot about transports Hux did not know.

Hux seemed to feel Kylo’s incredulity, and he sat back up, irritated. “Well, we can’t just give up. This planet is only technically habitable. And watching you eat was disgusting enough before you swallowed dead animals whole. We'll need to change you back.”

Kylo bared his teeth, not wanting to answer. Hux coming back was a miracle. Changing him back into a human was too much.

“Ren. I was raised not to give up. Because it very literally would have killed me. And being sucked out of an airlock or executed as a traitor are only slightly worse than this.” He gestured to the root cave, then began pulling stray strands of Kylo’s long, dark hair from his sweaty neck. “And you’re too stubborn to give up. You’ve had-”

Hux stopped abruptly, staring into the irregular hollow at the back of the cave. His thoughts were sharply surprised, then fond. Kylo watched as Hux reached for something, a strange look on his face.

“Is this my old tunic?”

Kylo scrambled up, another deep snarl escaping. _Don’t touch that._

“Why? It’s mine. You were just…” He examined it, frowning. “I don’t know what you were doing. It’s worn thin, filthy, and covered in wolf hair. But you obviously _treasured_  it.”

He looked smug. Kylo hated him.

_I kept it, sure. It made me forget that you were an asshole. Do you want me to be ashamed? Tell you I wasn't waiting for you all this time?_

Hux reared back as if struck, looking pained for a moment. His hand went to the front of his shirt and pressed absently against his chest. Then he leaned forward, taking the thin jacket in one hand.

“Don’t. I found you, and we’ll leave. You won’t have to hold onto this scrap anymore.”

Hux threw the tunic over Kylo’s shoulders. It was insulting, a mockery of all the nights he’d spent with it, thinking of Hux. Kylo was furious. He wanted to knock Hux back, he wanted to open his mind completely and show Hux the memories. The depths of hopelessness, the days that were all the same, where all he could do was survive. Kylo could share all of it. It would be awful, to give himself that way. But Hux had to understand.

Suddenly, there was a burning sensation, intense, one of the worst pains he’d ever felt in his life. His eyes bulged, and he stared at Hux, nothing but fear in his thoughts.

“Ren?” Hux sat up on his knees, expression concerned, tight. “Ren, what’s…”

Kylo collapsed, in too much pain to make a noise, his throat locked. He couldn’t breathe. Dimly, he was aware of Hux laying hands against him, his chest, his face.

“Ben?” Distinct, more afraid this time.

How appropriate, he thought as he lost consciousness. Hux came back, only to kill him accidentally, while doing something stupid.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He jolted awake, inhaling sharply. The breath didn’t feel right, his lungs didn’t feel right. He took another breath, panicked again, groping for memory. None of it was there.

He opened his eyes, terrified, staring at tree roots lit in artificial yellow-green light. Tree roots were familiar, tree roots were…

Nothing. They meant nothing, and were also his whole world. He tried harder, searching for something, anything. He found, suddenly, an immense sense of self-satisfaction. Smugness. Confidence.

 _Hux_.

“Welcome back, Ren. I told you I could do it.”

Ren rolled over, still not feeling right. His skin was too sensitive, something about his body felt broken. It took him a moment to remember - it came from Hux’s thoughts, hearing Hux’s voice, and realizing that Hux’s thoughts were separate from his own. Then. Exitens, the monster. Finding Hux again. That fucking jacket.

_Hux. Fuck’s sake. What did you do to me?_

“Do to you? I changed you back into a person. Which, if you remember, you were claiming was impossible right before I fixed it.”

_Fixed it? What? By being an asshole?_

“Yes,” Hux answered simply, too pleased with himself. He was sitting on his knees with his hands folded in his lap. He reached forward, bending Kylo’s arm.

The wrong direction.

Kylo jumped, but his body didn’t move right, and he scrambled against the floor. He felt pain against his hands, and looked down.

They were hands again.

He fell back in shock, staring at himself. He had a body. Pale skin, with sparse hair on his arms and legs, some pubic hair. No fur. No _monster_.

He was silent, dumbfounded.

“Hold still,” Hux said impatiently, crawling forward and grabbing one of Kylo’s legs. “I’m sure it isn’t comfortable. Let me do this first.”

Hux pulled, forcing his knee to flex and his hip to move, all of it different. Too far, not far enough. Hux rotated his thigh at the hip. It didn’t hurt. Kylo wanted it to, but it didn’t. He bent his fingers slowly. He didn’t have black claws.

He reached up to his face and felt his lips. His nose. His human teeth.

He made a noise. It wasn’t a monster noise, and came out more like a human groan.

“You’re fine,” Hux said crisply, taking his hands away. “Move the leg yourself. You look healthy enough, you should be able to move everything.”

Kylo did, staring in wonder at his toes, flexing them. He moved his foot, his ankle. His knee, his hip. He planted his foot on the ground, then moved his other identically. He stood.

“Be careful,” Hux warned, standing and holding him around the waist. “Yes. You can stand. You should be able to walk. How does it feel?”

Hux stared earnestly into his face, his concern obviously genuine.

“Hhh-” he tried, a breathy half-sound emerging from his throat instead of speech. He was overwhelmed. Twice in one day, his life completely changed.

“Don’t try to speak,” Hux said, stepping back and studying him with hands on hips. “Just tell me whether it hurts. I don’t know about-” He gestured to Ren, dragging his gaze up and down. “changing.”

“No!” Kylo shouted, lurching forward. Hux caught him before he fell, though Ren nearly knocked both of them down.

“Ren. Stop.” Hux’s tone was sharp, an order. Kylo stilled in his arms, and Hux turned his head into Kylo’s neck, lowering his voice. “Now. Tell me whether it hurts. Don’t speak aloud. Concentrate. Speak into my thoughts.”

_It doesn’t hurt. Don’t stop touching me._

Hux paused, and tightened his grip around Kylo’s waist, his hands squeezing. “You want me to touch you?” he asked, quieter this time, speaking into Kylo’s neck again. Kylo buried his face into Hux’s shoulder, inhaling. Hux smelled different now. Not as strong.

“Yes,” he managed to whisper, letting his thoughts say the rest, overly loudly, overly enthusiastically.

_I haven’t touched anyone since you left, Hux, no one has touched me, don’t-_

“Fine,” Hux said, more sharply, embarrassed. His hands moved up to Kylo’s shoulders, pushing him back slightly. Hux's expression gave nothing away, but his thoughts still shied away from whatever it was he was about to say. “We can do that. Get back down on the ground. Face up, on your back.”

With Hux’s help, Kylo slowly lowered himself back down, stretching out, positioning himself on his back. Hux’s hands stayed on him the whole time, sliding from shoulders to hips to thighs, then resting on his shins as he crouched at Kylo’s feet, taking him in.

“How does that feel?”

_Good. No pain._

“You’re not sore? Numb? Anything like that?”

 _No. It-_  He closed his eyes, embarrassed now. Hux’s hands were soft, and the sensation was still strange against his bare skin. He was sweating, sticky, and it was still too hot for this, even though it was now full night outside the ring of green light in the cave. But he wanted Hux to stay near, to touch him. Feeling his touch was what made him human.

“Fuck,” Hux said aloud, making it clear that Kylo hadn’t been hiding those thoughts. But it didn’t really matter. Hux’s fingers went to Kylo’s toes, and he began rubbing each individually, his grip very firm. Kylo flexed under the touch, feeling relief radiate from each point of contact. He groaned aloud, then closed his eyes and did it again. It didn’t come out as a growl, or a whine, or any other sort of monster noise. It was human, and loud.

“Not as human as you think,” Hux complained, shoving his thumb into the sole of Kylo’s foot. Kylo’s toes curled. “You sound like you’re dying.” Hux’s tone was annoyed and uninterested, but his thoughts seemed almost as overwhelmed and pleased as Kylo’s. He felt possessive, and was relieved that he still knew Kylo so well.

 _I’m not dying,_  Kylo confirmed, moving his hands into his own hair. It felt the same length it had been before he changed, and he pulled on it, reveling in the pain against his scalp. He left his eyes closed, his body relaxing more and more under Hux’s touch as he moved to the other foot and continued the massage.

 _Do I look the same?_  he asked, curious, thinking about his hair. What if he’d changed into someone else?

“You do look the same. But I’d still recognize you even if you turned into someone else,” Hux confirmed. “You’d still have your annoying intrusive thoughts and habits. And you would always be overly large.” Hux shifted, moving to Kylo’s ankles. First one, then the other, his sticky, damp palms moving up to his calf muscles once he was finished.

He showed Kylo what he looked like, passing an image between their thoughts of Kylo stretched naked on the ground, bathed in green light, eyes closed and hands in his hair. He was big, it was true. Muscular. Even more so than he had been before he changed. His thighs were larger, as well as his calves, his biceps, his shoulders. Even his chest was more broad, more massive.

“I always miss that chest of yours the most,” Hux said, unusually fond, his fingers moving up to his thighs. “Thighs, too. And your ass,” he admitted after another moment, considering, as his fingers continued the businesslike massage. “But this is my favorite.” He reached up briefly to pinch one of Kylo’s nipples, surprising Kylo, causing him to suck in a sharp breath. “You could suffocate me with your chest.”

 _Would you like that?_  Kylo was amused. They hadn’t really done anything like that before. Hux’s thoughts indicated that he would like it, and that they’d tried a lot of other things in Hux's memories. Hux lazily perused his favorites. Kylo apparently loved Hux’s ass during sex.

Seeing the memories made him acutely jealous and lonely. He sighed heavily, then began shifting in agitation.

“Stop,” Hux said, annoyed. “Neither of us can help that. And I’m here now.” He moved up to Kylo’s hips, carefully avoiding his cock. The massage was making Kylo half-hard, but despite Hux’s attempts (and the immense relief that Hux was still attracted to him, something that had seemed impossible), he was trying hard to stop himself from getting aroused. It had been so long, and this was all too good to be true. He thought having an orgasm might actually kill him.

“Kill you? I don’t think so. But we won’t do that yet.” And because he was an asshole, Hux swung himself up and over Kylo’s hips, straddling him, then leaned down and kissed his stomach as his thumbs dug into Kylo’s sides.

Kylo frowned, opening his eyes. _Are you always like this? Contrary?_

“What are you going to do? Leave me?” Hux avoided his eyes, planting another kiss higher up Kylo’s chest, something like an apology in his thoughts.

 _I’ll stop,_  Hux offered, not saying it aloud.

 _No. I like it._  Kylo’s hands went to Hux’s waist, and he studied Hux’s expression. It was blank, his eyes carefully averted from Kylo’s face. But he did seem to have a fondness for Kylo’s chest - his background thoughts were of _Ren’s tits_ , and he was spending over-long kneading them.

_Will you take your shirt off? Let me see you?_

Hux did meet his eyes then, leaning back slowly and grasping the hem of his shirt, lifting it off over his head and revealing ID tags with a clear crystal set between them. Kylo stared at him, memorizing him all over again as Hux’s hands came to rest on his chest.

He had changed, too. Softer, just a bit, without actually being heavier. Softer in a way that came with age, no longer bone-thin. The light freckles on his shoulders were gone, though he still had a very light trace across his nose and cheeks. Kylo traced a finger up Hux’s side, ran a thumb over one of his nipples. His skin was damp and sticky. Exitens was too hot. But he hadn’t felt _sticky_  in so long, and especially not _Hux_.

Hux was smooth under his palm, and soft. He cupped his ribs, then framed his chest with both hands.

“I’ve changed, yes. I’m older,” Hux snapped, his thoughts briefly self-conscious before he crushed them mercilessly, to wherever Hux banished his thoughts. Hux did it so often, had done it several times since he’d re-appeared, but it was extraordinary every time.

“You certainly wouldn’t want me if I still looked twenty-two,” Hux explained, snatching Kylo’s wrist and starting the slow massage of his fingers, avoiding Kylo's face once again.

 _I would_ , Kylo confirmed. _I would want you no matter what._

“Don’t be so sure,” Hux muttered. “I’ve been forced to think about that a lot.”

Kylo brought his hand up to Hux’s hair, stroking the top of it. He closed his eyes, enjoying the texture. Hux’s hair had been so _soft_ , Kylo remembered that from when they first met. He’d wanted to touch it as soon as he’d seen it, run his fingers through it. It had been an irresistible impulse. Over the years, he’d imagined the feel of it between his fingers, and the look on Hux’s face as he'd done it. Hux had been so beautiful, perfect, and they'd both been so happy.

“I don’t know what happened to… my body, to this version of me,” Hux continued, working his fingers up Kylo’s arm, the pressure of the massage still a comfort. “Usually I… exist, in these places. I have a different life, but I still exist. But here, it’s as if I didn’t. I reappeared, fifteen years older.”

“Me too,” Kylo managed, his voice low and gravely. It didn’t sound like his voice, but he’d managed to say it. He smiled, and Hux met his eyes then, his fingers pausing at Kylo’s shoulder, digging deep.

“I suppose so. Your family believed that I'd kidnapped you,” he said finally, whatever he had been thinking suppressed too fast for Kylo to understand. He pulled Kylo’s other hand from his side and began squeezing his fingers. Kylo moved his free hand to Hux’s cheek, cupping it gently. He had a slight stubble on his cheeks, the barest hint against Kylo’s palms. He stroked it, loving the sensation against his fingers. Hux allowed it, and even leaned into it, but his expression remained unchanged.

“There,” he said finally, resting his fingers lightly against Kylo’s throat, thumbs on his windpipe. “Is there anything else you want?”

Kylo’s eyes had slid closed, and he had nearly fallen asleep, lulled by Hux’s hands on him, the pressure of Hux’s weight on his hips, the soft sounds of his breath, the sharp smell of him. It felt like a dream. He was terrified that he would wake up and realize none of it was true.

“You,” he managed aloud, opening his eyes. He moved both hands up to Hux’s face.

Hux’s expression changed, just for a moment, looking almost startled. Then he bent down, his fingers still on Kylo’s throat, and he kissed him.

It was gentle at first, the pressure of Hux’s lips something like the massage, but so much softer. Hux opened his mouth, moving lower, taking Kylo’s lip between his teeth and sucking. Gently at first, then harder. His mouth opened, and Kylo’s opened along with it. Hux slipped his tongue inside, and there was suddenly nothing gentle about the kiss. His care and hesitance evaporated, and Hux kissed him as if Kylo deserved it. Possessive, urgent, confident. It hadn’t been like that before, and Kylo clutched at him and moaned, the sound muffled by Hux’s mouth.

He shifted, trying to pull Hux closer. Hot, so hot. Hot where their bodies were pressed together, where Kylo’s hands found their way around Hux’s waist, where Hux’s thumb stroked high up on Kylo’s cheek. All the years on Exitens, and he'd never been so hot before.

Kylo felt his pulse pounding and his thoughts spinning out of control, anchored only by Hux’s own, which were a constant refrain of relief, triumph, and arousal. He felt like there were too many good things at once. He was sure that all of this would kill him. But he couldn’t stop.

He slowly began to remember how his voice worked, and he made more noise, trying to give himself a release for all his nervous energy. Hux, delighted, swallowed all of it, sealing their mouths, then kissing him harder, more urgently.

Kylo moved his hands low to cup Hux’s ass and pull him close, pressing Hux’s hips into his own. Hux was still in his pants, Kylo bare, and Kylo found he couldn’t help himself. He began pushing up in small motions, shameless, rutting against Hux. Part of him was humiliated - he’d learned control, so long ago, and this wasn’t it. Not even close. But he _wanted_ , and there had been nothing to deny himself for so long.

Hux stilled him with a firm hand at his hip, then pulled back to study Ren’s face. He pushed Kylo’s hair off his forehead (because he could, Kylo had hair again, long enough to fall into his eyes, he was _human_ ), his expression inscrutable, his thoughts spinning too fast to read now.

“Is this too much?” he asked, his tone betraying his anxiety.

“More,” Kylo managed, stretching up to capture Hux’s mouth this time, not caring about his quick breaths, his overheated body, any of it. He was himself again, whole and miraculous, and he couldn’t stop _feeling_  all of it. He could do anything, take anything in the galaxy.

Hux had come back to him. He shouldn’t have said no all those years ago.

“Ren,” Hux said sharply, pulling back. “Don’t do that.”

Kylo blinked at him. He wanted Hux to stop talking. He wanted Hux’s mouth on his, he wanted Hux’s mouth all over, he was on fire-

“Okay,” Hux said carefully, shifting himself down, staring at him again, wasting time. Why did they keep stopping? He was growing aggravated, overtaxed. He could feel Hux going through his emotions, seeing all of it. Kylo pushed the _want_ to the front of his mind so it would be clear. He wondered if Hux could still see the rest of it, if he could make any sense of the chaos of it.

“Of course. I always can. I know what you need.” He shifted himself down further, wrapping his fingers around Kylo’s cock. The shock of it, that simple touch, shot through his stomach and up his chest. Kylo gasped weakly, crying out, closing his eyes and arching his back.

Forgot. He’d forgotten. This. This was-

“I ignored your cock earlier,” Hux said, his tone careless. “It’s the most ridiculous part of you. It’s still difficult to believe that Ben Solo, bright star of the New Republic, has such an unruly cock.” He squeezed it, and Kylo moaned loudly again.

“You’re so greedy. I gave you a full-body massage, but you only get noisy for this. Miss me, did you? Did you think about me when I was gone?”

 _Hux_ , Kylo all but shouted between them. _I’m going to come, fuck you, I couldn’t touch myself, I didn’t have hands-_

Hux’s hand stilled and his thoughts shuddered for a moment, hidden from Kylo. Kylo made a noise of frustration, his hips arching up, seeking friction in Hux’s fist. After a moment, Hux did move his hand. Once, twice. And that was all it took.

Kylo came. It was… hard. Embarrassingly so. He felt like the pressure in his head, around and between his eyes, would blind him. He made some noise, it was probably loud. He was sure he still sounded like the monster.

His mind emptied after that, his awareness returning slowly. As it did, he ran the sensations through his head, over and over again. Hux’s hands on his cock, not all that slippery, but enough. _Hux’s hands_. The feeling of an orgasm, so long forgotten. He couldn’t do it as a monster, not untouched, and there were no other monsters. And anyway, he only wanted Hux.

He opened his eyes, sitting bolt upright, suddenly convinced it was all a dream. He was sure that even if it was true, he’d somehow reverted to a monster at the end. His hands flew up, he felt the Force come to him easier than it had in years, the green light in the cave flickered and went out-

“Ren!” Hux shouted into his face, pressing against his shoulders, forcing him back to the ground with all his weight.

“Ren,” he said, more quietly this time, more calm. What Kylo could see of Hux's face in the moonlight had gone white, but his expression was still neutral, still told nothing. His thoughts were in Kylo’s. Calm, steady. Slowly, the Dark ebbed away, the urge to violence, to destroy something, abated.

 _Fine_ , Hux said. _You’re fine. I’m here. You’re not that thing anymore-_

Kylo closed his eyes. He made an effort to still his thoughts and calm himself, finding his focus again. His hands came to Hux’s waist and squeezed hard. He stilled his gasping breaths. Slowly, he felt for Hux, reached out for more of an awareness of him.

And he found what he was looking for - Hux’s presence in the Force alongside his own, strong and vital, breaking over his awareness like a beam of sunlight finally reaching the forest floor in the morning. It was obvious now, without the distraction of his hands, the new body, the arousal. He’d forgotten what it was like to sense others, those like himself, and what they felt like, alive next to him. It was like coming wholly back into himself, like the massage Hux had given him in his new body. It was a part of him that had finally returned.

He opened his eyes. Hux was leaning over him, his hair framing his face, his expression lost to shadow. “You’re fine,” he said, studying his eyes for a moment, then leaning up, sighing, pushing his hair out of his face and closing his own eyes. “I was sure you would kill me.”

Kylo opened his mouth to protest. Closed it. Considered. He might have.

Hux opened his eyes again, his expression turning pinched and offended. “I wouldn’t have let you.”

“Can’t,” Kylo tried, then cleared his throat. “Couldn’t stop me.”

“I can always stop you.” Hux swung his leg over Kylo’s hip and sat next to him, positioning himself with his knees held against his chest. Though he was trying hard to hide it, Kylo noted that Hux was overly twitchy, and traces of adrenaline still ran through his system.

Kylo didn’t know what to say. He still wanted Hux to touch him again. He wanted to touch Hux. “Can I. Can I do-”

“ _No_ ,” Hux said emphatically, not looking at him. “When you lose control like that, it’s… cold. Extremely.” His expression grew pinched again. “And it’s dangerous. If that hadn’t killed my arousal, certainly the thought of you being unable to touch yourself for fourteen years did. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Kylo repeated, closing his eyes. He groped at Hux’s side until Hux took his hand to still it.

“It really is too hot for this.”

“You just said you were cold.”

“Besides,” Hux continued, ignoring him, “I like to be clean. This-” He raised the hand that was clasped in Kylo’s. “All of this is too filthy. I nearly blew you in the dirt underneath a tree. I can hardly believe it.”

He would have, Kylo discovered in his thoughts, though it was true that he hated being so dirty.

 _Get used to it_ , he managed. _There’s fresh water, but no soap._

“I don’t have to get used to this barbarism,” Hux insisted. “We’re leaving on the next shuttle off planet.”

At that, Kylo rolled onto his side, studying Hux. He was lit only by the faint moonlight that filtered through the roots. His hand was still in Kylo’s, his other arm wrapped around his legs, pulling them against his chest, his head resting against his knees. His eyes were closed, the light leaching all the color from his hair and face. His hair still hung loose, and his eyelashes appeared gray, resting against his pale cheeks. His chest was bare, his small nipples standing up even in the heat. He still had his pants on, and his boots, which seemed suddenly ridiculous. When was the last time Kylo had worn boots?

“Don’t act so surprised. I’m not staying here. Surely you want to leave soon, too.”

Kylo rolled onto his back again, closing his eyes, troubled. His life had been only Exitens, the northern settlements and the transportation hub, for so long. Longer than he’d ever lived anywhere else, even his uncle’s Jedi school. His only company had been the Chlorohelions. They’d been so disturbed when he’d missed the evening shuttle. And what would they do without him? Where would they-

“Please don’t be nostalgic for the semi-sentient aliens that destroyed our shelter.”

 _They aren’t semi-sentient_ , Kylo defended sharply, then exhaled.

In his mind, he gathered it all up, remembering all the details, then let all of it go. The Chlorohelions, the hunting, the baths. The rains, the trees. The curious stares of the villagers, the fear of the off-planet staff and First Order officers. The morning updates, the nectar, the vitamins, the care and attention he’d received over the years. The anger, hopelessness, the loneliness. He collected it, all the memories, and pushed them away, feeling the shift inside himself as he did it. He felt lighter, happier, without years of darkness clinging to him. With Hux at his side, holding his hand and telling him what came next.

Hux was right. He needed to leave.

“What-” he asked aloud, his voice sounding firmer, more sure. “What will we do together?”

“What we always do. We command the First Order.”

Kylo opened his eyes, turning to the faint outline of Hux’s profile. “How?”

 _You said they wanted to execute you. That you couldn’t be a member, because they thought you were dead_.

Kylo couldn’t see Hux’s smile, but he could feel it, the delight suffusing his thoughts. _Pleasure_. Hux loved a challenge.

But he loved it more when Kylo was with him.

“They’ll need to learn that I'm very much alive and well, won't they?”


End file.
